What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
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[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
your honor my client chooses dare
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Cat is stressing him out.
This bar smells like my childhood.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.