I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
You Might Also Like
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Should I call tech support or pray or what
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
We all have our pet causes.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.