Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
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“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Spa day..😅
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
He wanted to make sure😂
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad