obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
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“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Can. I. Help. You.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.