I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
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Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
✌🏽
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.