79.
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My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!