VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
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my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
huge valentines day plans this year!!
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.