My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
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[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…