Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
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[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
🖤✌🏽
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.