Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
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I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.