*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
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My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!