People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
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*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
reduce, reuse, recycle
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables