Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.