Don’t tell me what to do
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Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Oh the world we live in…
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy