every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
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*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Support your local cemetery
My five year plan is a meteorite
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key