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You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Favourite diary entry ever
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time