By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
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INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
So creative 😂
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Happy thanksgiving
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.