[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
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i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Battery falling down a hole
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.