[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
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When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
😬
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*