million dollar idea: worm dehorser
You Might Also Like
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
How about daylight saves us for once
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”