[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
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“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’