Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
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Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
*puts cutlery down*
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Twitter remains undefeated
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
😆this is so true
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes