My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
You Might Also Like
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey