I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
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There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
In case you needed to hear it:
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Twitter fine art
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?