*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
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I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?