I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
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Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.