What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
You Might Also Like
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway