“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
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wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
why would tinder want me to say this
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.