You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
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I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I’m not stressed
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Guantanamo Bae
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.