as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
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when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.