Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
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“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
goldfish mafia
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Message from the dog groomers