Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
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Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.