[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
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“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Aaaa…CHOO!
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me