(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
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Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
me and the Superbowl rn