I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
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6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took