No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
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Very good! 👍😂
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.