*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
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Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now