leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
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One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
finally found a reasonable question
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
pizza
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?