Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
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My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?