Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
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Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Stop it! 😂
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.