I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
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Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
what?
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me