Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
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Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT