Brb my Sims are getting married
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There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago