Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
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Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.