Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
You Might Also Like
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.