i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
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Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions