Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

“Can I copy your homework?”

“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”

“Ok.”

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

A woman drives into a bar.

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.

Her: Not at all!

Me: Great!

*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*

It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

Never be a pizza!

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.