I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
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Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Modded the new Gran Turismo