Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
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Hotels are back
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
For those that worship cheese..
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
*limbos away from your hug*
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside