I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
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5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Meow
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*